First Day at School

This week, to replace the sometimes often never "Quote of the Week" I have decided to share a sweet tale. As an English teacher you tend to hear and read mountains of the most artificial texts, stories and listenings. Just yesterday, during a particularly uninteresting test, I heard the worst Midlands accent since man started to record the worst Midlands accents (I believe this to be around the time that the pop charts started).

Today, typing up a nastily twee story for yet another test, I couldn't take it anymore.By midway through the story I loathed it so much that I decided to change elements of the story for my own amusement. As an example, I have decided to reprint the story that pushed me over the edge. See if you can tell which part I've changed, which part doesn't fit with the rest.

First Day at School

One Monday afternoon, Ivy was very surprised to see her daughter Anne and little granddaughter Joy. “This is a funny time to visit me” she said. “Is everything all right?”
“It’s Joy” replied Anne, “it was her first day at school today and she’s refusing to go back tomorrow, but she won’t tell us what happened”
Anne went to make some tea, leaving Ivy alone with her granddaughter. “Tell me what happened”, prompted Ivy after a while. Joy said in a rush: “I got the sums wrong, then I upset the paint, then I broke a boy’s ruler and so he chased me.
She was horrid. I’m not going back! Tell me a story, please Grandma”
Ivy smiled. “I’ll tell you about my first day at school – but if it sounds worse than yours, then you’ll have to go back to school tomorrow. Is it a bargain?”
Joy nodded her head.

“All right then” said Ivy. “When I was your age, girls had to wear a white pinafore over a blue dress”.
“What’s a pinafore?” asked Joy.
“It’s a sort of white apron with pockets”
“What a funny thing to wear to school!”
“Anyway, I didn’t know any of the other children, so I felt a bit lonely on my first day. The teacher looked very serious and, when she suddenly called out my name, I was terrified!” She said: “Ivy Wilson, you cannot come to school with hair like that. You must tie it back!”
“Please miss, I haven’t got a ribbon”, I answered in a whisper. So she gave me an old piece of string. “All the other girls with long hair were wearing ribbons, so I felt ridiculous”.
“Poor Grandma!” said Joy sympathetically.

“Everything seemed to go wrong after that” continued Ivy. “In the break, we had to go outside and do skipping. I tried my best, but for some reason I got out of step with everyone else. So, the teacher made me stand aside and just watch the others”.

“You had a horrid day but mine was just as bad!” said Joy.
“I haven’t finished yet!” retorted Ivy. “Lunchtime was worse. We had to eat in the school dining room and you had to finish everything on your plate.
I was extremely hungry by this time. But then I saw they were serving the food I hated most: liver. I sat down and started to eat the vegetables, but every time I looked at the liver I felt sick. Finally, when I thought that nobody was looking, I picked the liver up in my handkerchief and put it in my pocket!”
Joy looked at her grandmother with a new respect and asked “Did anyone see?”
“No, they didn’t. The final lesson was reading. We took our pinafores off and sat in a circle, taking turns to read, which I was normally quite good at.
The girl next to me, who was called Rosie, read perfectly and the teacher praised her at the end. Then we all went to collect our pinafores, which were hanging up outside. To my horror, I saw a stain on my pinafore pocket where the juice from the liver had soaked through. Suddenly the teacher shouted “Who does this Pinafore belong to?” pointing to mine.
But before I could reply, Rosie said “It’s mine, miss – I had a nosebleed after lunch and my hanky got messy!” The teacher said: “Oh really? Well, make sure that it’s clean for tomorrow!” After that Rosie was my best friend. So Joy, was my day worse than yours?”

“Well, it’s all relative” said Joy with a sigh. “But, to be honest Grandma, I don’t really appreciate you turning the whole thing round to yourself. It’s always me me me with you isn’t it? Not for one single second did you consider the mental anguish I’m currently experiencing, let alone being born into the frenzied modern world, developing more coping strategies than you can dream of. I guess you really are the cow Mummy always said you were. I’ll go back to school tomorrow, but you should really get over that first day Gran, how long ago was that? 65 years? Jesus! Move on!”
And with a sweet smile Joy skipped off into the street, simultaneously texting her new school friends about jumping the boy from school and breaking his other ruler.

Frequently Asked Questions

There is a TV show called Inside the Actor's Studio. Actors, unsurprisingly, talk about what they do, err, in a studio. Some are serious thesps and deep thinkers. Others, Hugh Grant ("I am a laugh tart") are not.

At the end of the show the annoying host, Lipton (never trust a man named after tea - Earl Grey? Orange Blossom?) asks the thesp a series of questions devised by some fella called Pivot, Peewee, Divot - summat like that. One of the questions is "What's your favourite curse word?". It seems a bit silly to ask the question as they always beep out the answer.

Recently I have been listening to the Ricky Gervais podcast whilst travelling to work. A regular on the show, a chap called Carl, was asked this very question. After a short pause he answered "fed up", which technically isn't a curse word, although he did go on to say that he was also fond of "knobbhead" and used it frequently.

Well, I'm fed up, specifically with FAQ's on websites. Who comes up with these? Are they supposed to help? I thought the whole idea of these questions was that they are frequently asked. Clearly, they are not. Why is it, when looking for the price of something on a poorly designed website, the frequently asked questions are "How can I return the goods to Panama if I bought them with a GUBI card in 1980's Congo?", or the even more frequent "If I want to change an FX 2177p for the new model do I have to add the price of a small star fruit to the total?".

Those of you who have clicked on this link because it said FAQ's are now, I'm sure, fed up. The answers you seek are elsewhere, although one thing I can tell you is that
"If you are having trouble downloading the karumba juice stream we suggest you reload your fx cable and prance round your living room for a bit".

Monasterio de Santa Catalina

Went to Arequipa (Peru) in February o6 with Niall. The best part of the trip was a visit to Monasterio de Santa Catalina. It's almost like a small town within a town. It isn't a monastery, it's a convent. I don't know if it was all painted red and blue originally, or later when tarted up, but it makes for nice pictures.

Should I have used the word tart when discussing a convent?

The Chocolate Paco Rabanne

As most of you know I teach English in Chile. Actually, I teach very little these days, and no doubt some would question whether I ever actually taught much at all. This week seems to have been full of the ridiculous and has been rich in content for the bi-monthly/twice a week/often never "Quote of the Week" pioneered by my good friend John "cut me open and I bleed blue" Cooperlilly (also known as John 'the mini' Cooperlilly and, according to him, John 'hung like a horse' Cooperlilly).

Quote of the Week has its origins in the World Cup of 2006, Hung Like a Horse having nothing better to do than trawl the internet for ridiculous quotes. Since then it has broadened and is now a general free for all of pushing and shoving on any subject. This weeks winners are from genuine essays by my students, Elvis in Camden and the newly inaugurated "Chocolate Teapot" section (hence the snap, taken in an Argentinian sweet shop) that is work related. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Open the golden envelope please.

From The Horse himself, currently teaching somewhere in the south of England and working in The Spar on a Sunday.

- "Have little present for you, teacher" - Mohammed Badawi, aged 59, from the sultanate of Oman, on approaching me outside the class and passing me a gift-wrapped Paco Rabanne wristwatch. He will still be failing. It is 10.36.


Sent in by me, taken from an essay I marked this week. So strange you have to love it.
"I spent long hours in the lab putting the bones of a duck together to represent my school"
This was later followed by the equally enjoyable
"The best talks about life I had ever had took place when we killed the duck to learn about its skeleton"

To stay with the education theme, I read this sentence from an oral exam.Students are suposed to discuss it. This is clearly chocolatey.
"Many more people are travelling by car these days. How wise do you think this is?"

I believe the inspiration for this question comes from an English exam paper of 1876. Candidates are expected to mention the man who walks ahead with a red flag.

Although not officially an entry I feel I must include a quote from my good friend Marie Finsbury Park, who, after drinking quite a lot of 9% Belgian pop, found herself in an illegal drinking den in Camden Town. She said this
"Also we ended up in the Marathon Kebab House - a legendary establishment in Camden that is basically the front for an illegal Greek drinking den that houses Elvis impersonators".
I don't think there can be any doubt that this is probably the most interesting sentence of the week, although the reason for its special mention is the use of the word "houses". To house Elvis impersonators is such a thought provoking thing to say that I felt it deserved exploration. Simply put, what a tremendous idea. It rather brought to mind the idea that there were thousands of tiny Presleys standing in rows under hydroponic lights. After a few weeks they all grow to a suitable height and are deemed suitable for performing behind the kebab house. Obviously, they are all given new clothes as their tiny capes and white flares are ripped in Hulk like fashion because of their fast growth.

I would like to end this by giving special mention to Lee Downunder, who wrote to me recently and asked how I was getting on in "that south american jungle cocaine spanish tapas place". I'm doing well Lee, though the bandits on the metro can be a real drag...........
.......sometimes they're actually in drag................

Carabineros Parade

One Sunday, just as M and I were about to sit down for a rather good looking homemade pizza, we heard a bit of a palaver out in the street. The police were putting on a bit of a show (other than tear gassing school children) by walking down Pedro de Valdivia in shiny boots (and no, Pedro didn't mind, as it is the name of the street). Unfortunately the Diminutive One couldn't see much other than the backs of people's heads, although I managed to take these pics. There's nothing like a bit of oompah on a Sunday afternoon.

Graffiti

Taken in Santiago, Valparaiso and in Peru.

Mapuche

It's pretty poor show that I have been here for these few years and I don't know anything about the Mapuches. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mapuche As my Spanish is shoddy and I still get most of my news in English, I'm often simply not aware of what is going on around me.

The Mapuches are the indigenous people of Chile, but can also be found in Argentina. It seems to be a familiar story of stolen land and resources, repression and more. I did read this week that they were the only indigenous people on the continent to defeat a European army. The only military defeat that the Spanish encountered in South America was in Chile. Don Pedro de Valdivia was defeated by the Mapuche forces, and killed in December 25, 1553, with his entire force.

I took this picture of graffiti on a wall in Valparaiso. It says something like "From the woods we grow like trees, we are like rivers, the sun and wind. Freedom to the jailed mapuches" More or less.

Body Shopping May 06

In May of 2006 The Body Shop UK experienced an enormous upsurge in profits. A diminutive Chilean, with an interest in all things cosmetic, took an interest in several branches. Store Managers in Birmingham, Telford, Ealing Broadway, Piccadilly Circus & Heathrow all won the company prize of two weeks in Margate for hitting their yearly profits target seven months ahead of schedule.

Iquique Baquedano

Right in the middle of Iquique is this amazing pedestrian street. It's got a wooden boardwalk and is lined by these ramshackle wooden houses. In parts it looks like a film set, but seeing as some of them are falling down, it just about feels real. We took these early on a Saturday morning so the place was empty. I have to admit that turning the corner from a regular street into this really stopped me in my tracks. Good job it's pedestrian then really......


Somewhere round here we stopped for an empanada. In Santiago they tend to be small dainty things with crusts, although here they are big fried knobbly dinosaur looking beasts and are served at the same temperature as the core of the earth. I had a jaiba (crab) one then walked home sideways. Good job it's pedestrian really.......

A Thousand Yoghurts

In February 2006 Niall and I undertook a jaunt to Arica in the north of Chile. We got a collectivo shared taxi across the border to Peru. Unfortunately, we both got a seriously bad dose of Arequipa's revenge and spent about four days in the bathroom. We were lucky enough to be visited by a friendly Peruvian doctor, who, at first, threatened to take us into hospital. A mild improvement the following day kept us out of the Arequipa Infirmary, largely thanks to some pills that had "the power of a thousand yoghurts".
Once we were back on our feet we headed back south to Chile. The Peruvian border town, Tacna, is a small quiet place, where I took this picture.

Pichilemu - Life's a Beach

Pichilemu is a windblown coastal town a few hours south from Santiago. We set out for a walk on Sunday morning, walking along the beach into town. It was pretty nippy when we started but I managed to get burned to a crisp later. For the next few days I had that slightly scarey glow about me. They hold the Chilean surfing championships somewhere round here.

The 18th September - Nice to MEAT you

September the 18th in Chile is a big deal. In 1810 there was some kind of revolt, ultimately leading to independence from Spain. Chileans today choose to celebrate this by going to fondas. The concept of a fonda is quite tricky to explain. I went to two, a nice sedate one in posh Providencia, and then later to an altogether different kind of bash in Parque O'Higgins. Both have one thing in common - both are in parks and you can eat a lot of meat and drink in public. There's lots of dancing, staggering and bbq ing. There's meat on a stick everywhere - anticuchos - and if you get bored of that you can switch to sausages. The fonda in O'Higgins reminded me of a rock festival, without the rock. There were a million stalls selling cooked meat and so much smoke you could see it from space apparently, well, maybe. If you've ever been to a fonda you can expect dogs to follow you around for a good few weeks after.

I was told that this is the only time of year that you can drink in public, although many people elaborate on this by just drinking anywhere. A woman on the radio was complaining that she doesn't see her husband for the two days of the national holiday. This year was particularly bad as there were actually 4 days off because of the weekend. Judging by the bloke we drove around on the motorway wandering home (in the slow lane to be fair to him) there were many who may have over indulged. One diminutive Chilean I know did her bit to eat a whole cow over the four days, at the fondas and at the big feed up we threw in her house. See pics.

Iquique - down by the sea...

They seem pretty worried about a tsunami in Iquique. This sign is down right next to the port, helpfully pointing inland rather than out to sea. There are signs all over the town too, letting you know if this particular corner would be under water or not. The area has regular earthquakes, and seeing as a lot of houses are built on sand, this is worrying. I asked a guy about building regulations and he looked at me like I was a bit simple.

Valpo

Valparaiso is the big port about an hour from Stgo. As with most ports it can be a bit dodgy, although it's great for a day trip. The houses crawl up the hillside from the port below. To save walking up some pretty steep hills you can take one of the many ascensores. These are a kind of lift, most of which are like large plywood boxes on rails. I have a feeling some of them were last serviced in 1899, but as the 'journey' usually takes about 45 seconds you don't have time to worry about it. It's also the only time Chileans won't fight for a seat. I hear the Germans walk up because you can't book in advance.
Lots of the houses are seemingly built of corrugated iron and are often painted bright colours. On New Year's Eve thousands pitch up on the top of the hills to watch the firework display. It's bloody impressive.

' im and 'er

Everywhere we go we take these self portraits. These four are; bloody freezing in Boca, Buenos Aires.
/burning on the beach in Pichilemu, Chile /
top of the E. Tower in Paris the day we lost to Barcelona in the Champs Lge final May 17th 06 / on the phone!

Recoleta Cemetery, Buenos Aires

This is the cemetery right in the middle of the city, full of posh tombs and cats. Bloody cats everywhere. It's a spooky place. Meme loved peering into the mausoleums, I avoided the cats. Eva Peron is buried here.

The Diminutive Chilean

The polola, the other half, the jefa, head of the committee, 'er indoors, the novia, you get the picture.......

Me Pics 2006

I'd like to say that my hair grew back and that I am currently thin and fit looking, but it didn't and I'm not! Doing ok though........Here's a few pics from 2006.