Today, typing up a nastily twee story for yet another test, I couldn't take it anymore.By midway through the story I loathed it so much that I decided to change elements of the story for my own amusement. As an example, I have decided to reprint the story that pushed me over the edge. See if you can tell which part I've changed, which part doesn't fit with the rest.
First Day at School
One Monday afternoon, Ivy was very surprised to see her daughter Anne and little granddaughter Joy. “This is a funny time to visit me” she said. “Is everything all right?”
“It’s Joy” replied Anne, “it was her first day at school today and she’s refusing to go back tomorrow, but she won’t tell us what happened”
Anne went to make some tea, leaving Ivy alone with her granddaughter. “Tell me what happened”, prompted Ivy after a while. Joy said in a rush: “I got the sums wrong, then I upset the paint, then I broke a boy’s ruler and so he chased me.
She was horrid. I’m not going back! Tell me a story, please Grandma”
Ivy smiled. “I’ll tell you about my first day at school – but if it sounds worse than yours, then you’ll have to go back to school tomorrow. Is it a bargain?”
Joy nodded her head.
One Monday afternoon, Ivy was very surprised to see her daughter Anne and little granddaughter Joy. “This is a funny time to visit me” she said. “Is everything all right?”
“It’s Joy” replied Anne, “it was her first day at school today and she’s refusing to go back tomorrow, but she won’t tell us what happened”
Anne went to make some tea, leaving Ivy alone with her granddaughter. “Tell me what happened”, prompted Ivy after a while. Joy said in a rush: “I got the sums wrong, then I upset the paint, then I broke a boy’s ruler and so he chased me.
She was horrid. I’m not going back! Tell me a story, please Grandma”
Ivy smiled. “I’ll tell you about my first day at school – but if it sounds worse than yours, then you’ll have to go back to school tomorrow. Is it a bargain?”
Joy nodded her head.
“All right then” said Ivy. “When I was your age, girls had to wear a white pinafore over a blue dress”.
“What’s a pinafore?” asked Joy.
“It’s a sort of white apron with pockets”
“What a funny thing to wear to school!”
“Anyway, I didn’t know any of the other children, so I felt a bit lonely on my first day. The teacher looked very serious and, when she suddenly called out my name, I was terrified!” She said: “Ivy Wilson, you cannot come to school with hair like that. You must tie it back!”
“Please miss, I haven’t got a ribbon”, I answered in a whisper. So she gave me an old piece of string. “All the other girls with long hair were wearing ribbons, so I felt ridiculous”.
“Poor Grandma!” said Joy sympathetically.
“What’s a pinafore?” asked Joy.
“It’s a sort of white apron with pockets”
“What a funny thing to wear to school!”
“Anyway, I didn’t know any of the other children, so I felt a bit lonely on my first day. The teacher looked very serious and, when she suddenly called out my name, I was terrified!” She said: “Ivy Wilson, you cannot come to school with hair like that. You must tie it back!”
“Please miss, I haven’t got a ribbon”, I answered in a whisper. So she gave me an old piece of string. “All the other girls with long hair were wearing ribbons, so I felt ridiculous”.
“Poor Grandma!” said Joy sympathetically.
“Everything seemed to go wrong after that” continued Ivy. “In the break, we had to go outside and do skipping. I tried my best, but for some reason I got out of step with everyone else. So, the teacher made me stand aside and just watch the others”.
“You had a horrid day but mine was just as bad!” said Joy.
“I haven’t finished yet!” retorted Ivy. “Lunchtime was worse. We had to eat in the school dining room and you had to finish everything on your plate.
I was extremely hungry by this time. But then I saw they were serving the food I hated most: liver. I sat down and started to eat the vegetables, but every time I looked at the liver I felt sick. Finally, when I thought that nobody was looking, I picked the liver up in my handkerchief and put it in my pocket!”
Joy looked at her grandmother with a new respect and asked “Did anyone see?”
“No, they didn’t. The final lesson was reading. We took our pinafores off and sat in a circle, taking turns to read, which I was normally quite good at.
The girl next to me, who was called Rosie, read perfectly and the teacher praised her at the end. Then we all went to collect our pinafores, which were hanging up outside. To my horror, I saw a stain on my pinafore pocket where the juice from the liver had soaked through. Suddenly the teacher shouted “Who does this Pinafore belong to?” pointing to mine.
But before I could reply, Rosie said “It’s mine, miss – I had a nosebleed after lunch and my hanky got messy!” The teacher said: “Oh really? Well, make sure that it’s clean for tomorrow!” After that Rosie was my best friend. So Joy, was my day worse than yours?”
“Well, it’s all relative” said Joy with a sigh. “But, to be honest Grandma, I don’t really appreciate you turning the whole thing round to yourself. It’s always me me me with you isn’t it? Not for one single second did you consider the mental anguish I’m currently experiencing, let alone being born into the frenzied modern world, developing more coping strategies than you can dream of. I guess you really are the cow Mummy always said you were. I’ll go back to school tomorrow, but you should really get over that first day Gran, how long ago was that? 65 years? Jesus! Move on!”
And with a sweet smile Joy skipped off into the street, simultaneously texting her new school friends about jumping the boy from school and breaking his other ruler.
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